'I feel the need...' to nitpick all the in

Jan 15, 2024

That's right, I've got a bug up my butt about the most popular movie of 2022, Top Gun: Maverick. It's almost like I envy the squeaky wheel.

Is this timely? Absolutely not. Are there more important issues? Certainly. Could getting unnecessarily nitpicky and gently teasing Tom Cruise about his most successful film offer your numb heart a chance to feel something, anything apart from the unrelenting grind of living in a capitalistic dystopia?

No guarantees, but there's very low risk (minutes lost) compared to the upside (unregretted time), and look, it's already on your screen.

We should discuss Tom before we even start, right? He may be a weirdo, but one might argue "Tom Cruise-weird" is closer to "Nic Cage-weird" than, say, "Randy Quaid-weird" (your personal weird-barometer may vary). Could we simply agree that to the degree he seems to be on a mission to cheat Death out of more at-bats than any actor alive all for our moviegoing entertainment, one could reasonably respect his game?

C’mon, throw those hands up one time for Tom's onscreen work (lyrics NSFW):

I should clarify here -- obviously I’m not demanding Shelly throw any hands up. I mean, what would be the point? It hardly matters if your arms are up or down if no one can actually see with their own eyes where those arms even are, am I right? (Note: Jazz drummer Shelly Manne died in 1984 at the age of 64 -- know your famous Shelly's in history).

I also want to say at the outset, it's okay to love what you want. I myself have seen the Wachowski's Speed Racer multiple times — on purpose. I throw no stones here.

If you enjoyed Top Gun: Maverick like so many others, don't worry — you aren't all suffering a collective delusion. This is a spectacular production of flight sequences coordinated by Kevin LaRosa, cinematography by Claudio Miranda and direction by Joseph Kosinski, made possible by unionized, hard-working crew members all the way through to security and craft services. They have my respect and deserve yours, too.

That said, I have a few thoughts.

Still with me? Okay, I feel the need… for pedantry!

Look at all that machinery, muscle and might! Everyone busy, doing very important jobs on an aircraft carrier that costs a boatload of money.

Here's Business Insider last October:

After years of delay and costly setbacks that amounted to a $13 billion price tag, the USS Gerald R. Ford set off on its first deployment, entering the competitive arena of naval ships from countries like Russia and China.

The ship comes with a slew of new technologies, including electromagnetic catapults that can launch planes and advanced weapons elevators that will move bombs and missiles up to the flight deck.

This is not only one of the most advanced aircraft carriers to enter the waters, surpassing the Navy's Nimitz-class carriers, but also the world's largest.

Even with all that, it will come as no surprise undercoating comes extra.

Here's a gentle reminder from the U.N. how $6 billion could feed millions on the brink of famine. We choose the aircraft carrier.

Hey, the price of freedom, right? A Congressional Budget Office (CBO) review of Navy's Fiscal Year 2023 Shipbuilding Plan show costs would average about $30 billion to $33 billion (in 2022 dollars) over the next 30 years. Tens of millions of Americans have no access to broadband but instead w e choose 282 new battleships.

We choose to spend more on defense than the next 10 countries combined and yet our own proud veterans beg for benefits they earned and deserve thanks to working near one of our toxic burn pits (which of course are not depicted anywhere in this film).

I can already hear the cries of, "just turn your brain off and enjoy, Uncle! Have funI That's a hard lift when the opening images of the film force me to confront to what degree all of this is a moral obscenity, as well as my complicity in it. At least give me a moment to dislodge the Milk Dud from my throat.

But sure, let's have fun. I’ll put down the CBO reports.

Here's an excerpt from an undated version of the screenplay by Ehren Kruger, Eric Warren Singer and Christopher McQuarrie. Often there are differences from script to shoot, so please forgive the occasional inconstancies. Also, it should be noted these are damn talented writers — we’re not here to mock any words on the page, I’m only interested in discussing the themes and messages.

That in mind, let's see how the audience is introduced to our protagonist in the script (which plays out as described in the completed film):

PETE "MAVERICK" MITCHELL opens his eyes from a deep sleep. He sits up, takes a deep breath, taking in the humble trailer he calls home. For those of us who know Maverick from long ago, we’re left to wonder how he ended up here. ...

CLOSE ON the door of Mav's trailer as he exits, holding a plate with his breakfast and a cup of joe. Pull back with him TO REVEAL:

The Airstream occupies a space one could only describe as the ultimate bachelor pad - motorcycles, a vintage car, a workbench covered with memories of a life dedicated to flight and, the centerpiece: A World War Two-era P-51 MUSTANG.

If we suspected for a moment that Maverick had ended up on his ass, we were sorely mistaken.

Quite the bait and switch here as we’re briefly allowed to fret if Maverick has fallen on hard times in his humble, err... Airstream trailer product placement.

Hey, maybe Maverick got in on Dogecoin early, considering the salary for Navy test pilots tops out around $142k. Only 1% of the U.S. population even has a pilots license, and I’d guess it's a smaller subset of that who actually own a vintage plane they can literally park inside their home (the same type of plane had an opening bid of $250k in a recent auction).

I know, shut my brain off! Credit to the writers here for the subtextual clues of an emotionally-absent man child who has evaded responsibility and accountability his entire life and betrays the easy entitlement of someone who doesn't appear to have a financial care in the world — nicely, efficiently done.

We find out Maverick has a big test flight ahead of him — he's aiming for Mach 9 in a new hypersonic jet prototype, only when he arrives on base his colleagues inform him "The Drone Ranger" Admiral Cain (Ed Harris) has come to shut down the program.

That doesn't sit well with Maverick, who convinces everyone to risk their careers and push up the flight test so he can get in "one last ride" to prove the jet can perform as required by contract. Though don't misunderstand, his motives are higher-minded than that:

HONDO: "It's not too late to stop, buddy. You know what happens to you if you go through with this."

MAVERICK: "I know what happens to everyone else if I don't."

Maverick will fly for your sins, America.

Listen, the subsequent test flight scene has intense music, dramatic lighting — it works emotionally and it's fun, I get it. It's working as competently as one can here to live up to one of my favorite test flight scenes of all time.

Though step back and clock what low stakes are at play. We’re talking about a petty budget dispute between competing line items in a spreadsheet. Oh sure, Maverick (selfishly) would like to be the fastest man alive and (selflessly?) hopes this brash action means his friends get to keep their jobs. So I guess any people hoping for those expected high-paying, union jobs at the local drone factory can just go screw, right?

Now obviously there's an active ongoing debate whether drones (combined with advances in ground radar and missile defense capabilities) make fighter jets increasingly obsolete. The largely ineffective performance of Russian fighter jets in Ukraine suggest there may be some shades of truth to that argument, but the jury here is probably a ways out.

But we’re here watching Top Gun, so you know the test pilots are going to be the "real Americans" we’re meant to root for. That puts us into somewhat of an awkward pickle, because rather than consent to a decision by the proper chain of command, our hero protagonist goes rogue and disobeys safety and command to do exactly what he alone thinks is best and feels is right. That he ultimately will go on to face zero accountability for any of this (as we’ll see) is our exclamation point.

It's a mystery why so many men act the way they do.

Let's catch up as Maverick takes to the skies mere inches over that dastardly drone boy Admiral Cain's bald head.

Maverick pushes the jet past Mach 10 and becomes the fastest man alive, but he's pushed it too far and has to execute a rapid unscheduled disassembly, destroying what is undoubtedly tens of millions of dollars in government property and causing what I’d presume to be a major setback for the program he just "saved."

All of this is followed by a brief scene I genuinely got a kick out of:

For most naval aviators, a stunt like that would probably finish their careers. Fortunately, powerful friends (we’ll see who later) pull strings so Maverick can return to the bucolic Top Gun training academy in a plum spot on a mission to train the best of the best for a super secret mission that can only be taught by a real American and one-of-a-kind hero like Maverick.

This is a No Drone Zone, got it? Main characters only.

Next, our Top Gun graduates gather and learn this short older gentleman is going to be their instructor. Sharp eyes will observe we’ve lost Ed Harris for the remainder of the runtime, though we gain Jon Hamm as our career-focused antagonist who immediately warns Maverick he is on the thinnest of ice.

To observe the manual tucked under Maverick's arm is to understand this scene can have but one destination:

MAVERICK: "The F-18 NATOPS. Contains everything they want you to know about your aircraft."

[pats the manual]

C’mon, movie. Break the loop. I believe in you.

MAVERICK: "I’m assuming you know the book inside and out."

[hefts it dramatically]

Not-in-the-trash-not-in-the-trash-not-in-the-trash...

He DROPS his copy of the manual in the trash. The trainees react. Cyclone glowers, throws a look to Warlock.

MAVERICK: "So does your enemy."

In no time at all, Maverick's in risky near-misses with aviators he's never flown with while openly hoping his actions don't get him fired. That's obviously the worst possible outcome here, since a decorated aviator who does whatever he likes while residing in the ultimate bachelor's pad might end up being forced to take a high-paying job maintaining some billionaire's plane. These are sky-high stakes.

At least we get some bang for our tax buck here, so enjoy the flying:

In these last couple clips you’ve probably picked up the intense heat between Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw (Miles Teller) and our boy Maverick. That's because Rooster is the son of Nick "Goose" Bradshaw (Anthony Edwards), Maverick's best friend and the radio intercept officer who got killed after some reckless flying back in the original Top Gun.

In the years since, Maverick abused his position to hold Rooster back. Maverick is an emotionally withdrawn man child and Rooster is an angry hothead, so we’ll check back on this relationship in the third act.

Okay, I think we’ve all earned a break with some soaking-wet beach sports balling. Here you are:

If you were wondering how this game could begin with two footballs snapping simultaneously, we’re provided this explanation in an exchange between Cyclone (Hamm) and Maverick:

CYCLONE: "What is this?"

MAVERICK: "Dogfight Football. Offense and defense at the same time."

CYCLONE: "Who's winning?"

MAVERICK: "I think they stopped keeping score a while ago [smiles]."

The r/TopGunMaverick subreddit has a thread working out how one might go about playing Dogfight Football, should you ever contract such an urge or wake up with an unexpected mustache.

Now that last clip gave us our first glimpse today at the incomparable Jennifer Connelly, a welcome and formidable presence in any project. Here she plays Penny, a single mom and the owner of the bar where the aviators drink. Here's how the script introduces her:

He looks up at THE BARTENDER: PENNY BENJAMIN has a striking face with kind eyes that have seen it all - so much that nothing really ever gets her down.

MAVERICK: "Penny."

PENNY: [sighs] "Pete."

So you see right away the complex challenges this character opens up for an actor of Jennifer Connelly's immense caliber.

So let's jump to the sailing scene, because I have this theory here that at some point of re-writing the scripts, someone had the smart idea, "Hey, we need to take Maverick out of his element and show some vulnerability! Women love vulnerability! This can't just be wall-to-wall expensive military toys, we need something for the ladies!"

So we get this:

The gag here is while Maverick is in the Navy, he's no sailor. When he first boards Penny's domain, he's tentative and unsure — literally out to sea.

However, Maverick is a red-blooded man that can adapt to any situation without frustration and accept instruction from women without complaint -- common traits in men as witnessed for centuries.

PENNY: "We’re going to flatten the sail. Sort of like raising the flaps on an airplane."

MAVERICK: "To reduce drag."

PENNY: "Exactly."

MAVERICK: "How do I do that?"

Penny points to a handle by the wheel.

PENNY: "Pump that handle for me."

Mav navigates, does as instructed, struggling to stay steady on the pitching deck.

In no time at all, Maverick has mastered Penny's domain. Men are remarkable, amIright? Ladies? Not enough of you are giving proper credit to the men out there who are getting it done.

BACK ON THE BOAT, hauling through the water now. Maverick navigates the deck toward Penny, the sea spraying around him. He takes a place beside her at the wheel.

Maverick eyes the wheel, taking it as Penny steps aside. It takes some effort to hold her steady. After a beat:

PENNY: "Now you’re in the Navy."

They share a smile and look ahead.

You fixed him, Penny — good work. I sure hope there wasn't anything on your mind you needed to work out yourself. I imagine in Top Gun 3: Top Harder, we’ll find Maverick living on Penny's sailboat, having made it his own and is now confidently exploring the Great Barrier Reef.

I know, turn my brain off.

Earlier I mentioned Maverick had friends in high places pulling strings, and that brings us to a genuinely moving scene with his old frenemy, Iceman (the lovely Val Kilmer, cancer-free though working despite losing much of his voice from the effects of throat cancer)

Listen, I know I’ve not brought up the details of this super secret mission they’ve been training for this whole time, but now's a great time to revisit what we’re hoping to accomplish here:

WARLOCK: "The target is an unsanctioned uranium enrichment plant, built in violation of a multilateral NATO treaty. The uranium produced there represents a direct threat to our allies in the region. The Pentagon has tasked us with assembling a strike team and taking it out before it becomes fully operational.

"The plant sits at an underground bunker at the end of this valley. Said valley is GPS-jammed and defended by an extensive surface-to-air missile array serving a limited number of fifth-generation fighters."

We were also told there was only "three weeks, maybe less" before this plant was operational. Which country? Unclear! Which allies? Unknown! Turn that brain off, doesn't really matter.

So knowing the seriousness of this international situation, it's a bit shocking Admiral Iceman here appears more concerned with; A) Getting Rooster "ready" (instead of choosing, say, the best aviator possible); and B) Teaching Maverick to "let go."

IMHO these should not be top priorities. These more resemble significant liabilities to obtaining a positive outcome. I mean, I know it's only a movie. Only the most popular movie of 2022 that aggressively pushed all of this messaging to people swept up in the emotional spectacle, going back to see it again and again.

Now from the start we were told Maverick was here to teach the mission, not fly the mission. So it goes without saying Maverick will be leading the mission, and Rooster is his wingman.

What follows is either awesome or horrifying depending on where you’re standing in relation to the pointy end of the rockets. A synchronized burst of Tomahawk missiles launch from a Ticonderoga-class guided missile cruiser to strike this vague enemy's airfield inland and hamper any defense.

I paused to count 24 Tomahawk's indicated on a radar screen. How much of our money went off in that little fireworks display? Turns out Tomahawks are a hot commodity in the military marketplace at the moment. From DefenseNews:

Australia plans to buy the latest version of America's long-range Tomahawk land attack missile in a $985 million deal announced Thursday.

It's the latest in a surge of demand for the Raytheon Technologies-made Tomahawk, after U.S. Navy officials said this week their proposed budget, with foreign military sales, would max out the production line. Japan's new budget would reportedly bulk-buy 400 Tomahawks for as much as $1.6 billion, among other counterstrike capabilities.

So by these numbers, somewhere close to $100 million worth of missiles rain down on a remote airfield. The price of freedom, right? Right?

Tell me the one again about how we can't afford single-payer in our enormously wealthy country and instead we choose new Tomahawk missiles, year after year. We swap out the old Tomahawks with new Tomahawks until the latest Tomahawks are available while they work on future favorite Tomahawks. We choose this. You and me, reader, whether either of us feel in control of that choice or not.

Anyway, it all leads to big explosions. Cool.

Hey, remember earlier in the movie when America was under attack and threatened by this vague enemy? No? That didn't happen? Seems like a minor oversight here.

Here's Maverick leading the mission, because c’mon, man.

Despite the challenges of the layout, our team bombs the underground facility, causing an enormous explosion. We were never given any estimates of how many individuals lived and worked there (the remote location seems to behoove your typical commute), and we never heard anybody ask.

Fuck ‘em, I guess — whoever they are.

Eventually the barrage of surface-to-air missiles proves too much, and Maverick selfishly/selflessly sacrifices (that's a razor thin line sometimes) his F/A-18 Super Hornet to save Rooster.

Maverick was not gone, however. Landing safely in a field, he awakens to find himself under threat of a helicopter, offering us our first glimpse at these vague enemies, clad in all black with full visors, not a whisper of humanity to them. For all we know they’re robots.

Improbably, Rooster comes back to save the day, gets shot down, and meets up with Maverick. I know that sounds like the entire act of a lesser movie, but here it gets handled in three efficient minutes.

And reader, I’m going to serve it to you straight here — this is when I finally got to shut my brain off and enjoy myself. I mean, we’re going to somehow get these two in a classic F-14 Tomcat, right?

Honestly, my only note is the two should have ended up handcuffed together in all of this somehow.

Perhaps if the movie had embraced this Fast and Furious approach earlier, I wouldn't have focused so hard on the very real tax dollars on display in service of what are arguably some obscene choices we make as a country. But here we have an impressive level of winking-fun foolishness by the screenwriters to make this audience wish happen, and I’m eating it up, no crumbs.

All throughout this movie we’ve been warned that our vague enemy was in possession of scary, terrifying, fifth-generation fighters. Maverick repeatedly expressed contempt at the thought America's old busted shit could ever take on a fifth-generation fighter.

So you might wonder, is the threat of fifth-generation fighters a real problem confronting our military, or could this possibly be another so-called gap we so often are told needs to be closed at once, requiring a blank check with room to fit at least nine zeros?

Here's MilitaryWatchMagazine last June:

Beginning development from the late 1970s, fifth generation fighter aircraft remain few and far between in the world today with only three classes currently in production worldwide. These include the Chinese J-20, the American F-35, and the Russian Su-57.

Sounds manageable, then. Anyway, turns out Maverick and Rooster whup those faceless men in black in their fifth-generation fighters using that old busted Tomcat, with an assist from another of our aviators at the last moment. Super easy, barely an inconvenience.

With that, our conquering heroes return to bask in the glory they have wrought, not a thought or tear shed for however many they’ve murdered this day. I forget, were we ever shown clear evidence of the uranium enrichment? Is any of this a war crime? Guys, I’m serious — do we need a lawyer?

Nothing brings two men in conflict together like a shared love for the billions of dollars in military equipment they’re privileged to fly despite repeated incidents where they’ve fallen short. I guess here in America these days, we count this as the "happy" ending.

Tax Musk. Fund Broadband. Fund Healthcare. Fund NASA. Cut Defense. Get a different result.

Okay, I’m through. See you in the comments.

Hey, please don't use this diary as some kind of passive-aggressive cudgel to hit your MAGA Dad with in some text later. I can't have angry Dads all over me in the comments, and none of them would have landed here otherwise. Behave yourselves! Uncle's watching you wonkymaniacs!